My ex-boyfriend wrote. It was a complete shock to say the least. I haven't heard from him in months and he ignored the last email I sent. He's invited me to come visit. I can't tell if he really means it or if he's just being nice. Afterall, he's in Bangkok and how often do you know someone there? So he's probably just being nice. But he didn't have to say anything like that. He didn't have to say anything at all. I wonder if he misses me. I miss him.
Why does he decide to write now? Just when things were starting to get better. Just when I could get out of bed without thinking about him. Just when I didn't cry myself to sleep over him. Somehow I knew it was going to happen like this. It's been enough time for him to start questioning what he did. It's been just enough time for me to start living my life without him.
God, it's hard.
I'm just making this a bigger deal than it is. He simply sent me an email. And he simply mentioned I could come visit because he's in an exotic place. He's just being nice.
I drempt I was in the Navy. I was placed in a submarine with a lot of other men and only a few women. I woke up one night and there was a man in the bed with the woman next to me. I think she was his girlfriend but she was asleep. So he got up and started undressing for me. I can remember us kissing then I ran off. I was scared even though it felt good. I ended up going upstairs and running into the commander. The commander was like a father-figure and was concerned that I couldn't sleep. For some reason he took me to his bathroom. I can remember thinking that it was huge for a submarine. He left me alone in this bathroom and that's all I remember. Later, I was on land doing training. The same man with the girlfriend was trying to seduce me. He reminds me of Kevin that I went to school with in Colorado. What was his last name?
Strange where our dreams take us.
I'm a pretty firm believer in that dreams are just a way for us to clean our minds out. Basically all the trash that we don't need comes out in our dreams. And this is how I interpret my dreams...it's just trash. I was dreaming about submarines because there has been a lot about them in the news due to a US sub hitting a Japanese fishing boat. Then all the temptation stuff about a guy with a girlfriend probably stems from a conversation Jason and I had this weekend. We were talking about all the cheating we've done in our lives. I have little or no idea why I was dreaming about Kevin. I haven't thought about him in years. Shit, I can't even remember his last name! Maybe it means something. Maybe I should try to look him up.
Maybe it was just a brain hiccup.
Here I am sitting at Jason's apartment at 1am. We've been reading blogs that an old friend of his wrote (Jaffo). They've given me a really interesting perspective on Jason. I haven't known him all that long but I think he's a different person now than the one that was written about him then. He agrees. It's interesting how much we change throughout our lives.
Jason and I have been talking about how much we've changed in the past few years. We both agree that we're better people now. It's not that I regret all the things I did before but I see that there's better ways to live. All the things in the past have made me who I am now. But I must keep evolving and growing. I'm much happier with who I am now that I've moved back to Arlington. It's given me a chance to slow down and soul search. That sounds so movieish but it's true.
This is weird because Jason is watching me write. There's always that little voice in my head that says, "What are you friends going to think?" when I'm writing. But that's part of the process. Even in my journals written in the privacy of my own home I worry about that. What if I died tomorrow and my mother found my journals? What would I do if my friends and family really knew what I was thinking? Would they still love me and accept me? I think so. I know I would still love and accept them. We are who we are and even if we don't share it all with each other.
I'm going to go back to Jason now. He and Tiger are talking about something. Probably the cats. Baby Kitty has been extremely interested in Tiger since he got here. But I suppose that's because he's never seen a dog before. And certainly not one as big as Tiger. I'm not even sure that I've seen a dog as big as Tiger before!
We're still waiting for the big storm that never seems to be coming. I just wanted to lay in bed and listen to the rain. Some days are like that.
It's funny when you finally have a blank space to write on and your mind suddenly turns blank too. Strange stuff. I've been composing things in my head for a week and now I'm finally here without anything to say. But I still need to talk. Is this soley a female trait? I mean, just this weekend I was talking to guys who act like talking is just something they do in between the times they're physically engaged in activity. For me, talking IS the activity. The older I get the more I feel like we're from other planets. Of maybe just that we shouldn't be sharing this one.
Jason told me about some machine (or organism) that some scientists were developing. It's for use on Mars in order that people might live there. I can't remember the details of this thing (Jason, it's not that I wasn't listening, it was just that I was so tired) but that's not where this was going. I think we should send all the men there. Or not. It sounds like I'm a man hater. We'll just let it sound like that. I'd probably be pretty lonely in this quest to send men to Mars. I mean, even now my once-loyal girlfriend, Autumn, would probably want men to stay. Seeing that she's in a relationship and all. I'm not bitter since she's with an amazing friend of mine, Ky.
Hmm, I wonder how my friends are going to feel about me using their last names. I'm working on getting rid of my intense worry about privacy. Which is why this blog bears my name. I mean, it's just a name. There's far higher chances of me being hurt by someone I actually know (like a co-worker) than a stranger on the internet. And everyone I know already knows my last name so what's there to hide? Besides, I love my name. It's who I am.